Couples / Relationships
As Marriage Family Therapists, our expertise is relationships. We see many long-term couples in relationships of various types, from traditionally Western or “nuclear,” to more modern.
While marriage may be defined as “the legally or formally recognized union of two people as partners in a personal relationship (historically and in some jurisdictions specifically a union between a man and a woman)” [Merriam Webster], we are equally comfortable with a much broader definition. With people waiting longer to officially ‘tie the knot’, long-term committed relationships may or may not mean traditional marriage.
We understand these commitments. What works for one couple (or throuple) does not necessarily work for another couple. Yet, we find that whether heterosexual or LGBTQI; monogamous or open; polyamorous or otherwise defined and labeled: honesty, trust, and mutual acceptance are key to long-lasting relationships.
Couples Therapy in Los Angeles: What the Work Looks Like
Most couples do not arrive with several problems. They arrive with one argument that has been running for years under different subject headings. The content changes — money, in-laws, the dishwasher, a text message — and the sequence does not. The first useful thing therapy does is slow that sequence down enough to be seen by both people at the same time.
The loop underneath the argument
One person raises something. The other hears an accusation and defends. The first escalates to be taken seriously. The second withdraws to stop the escalation, which reads as indifference, which produces more escalation. Nobody in that loop is acting in bad faith and both are entirely certain they are responding rather than starting. Interrupting it is a skill, and it is learnable.
Repair, not the absence of conflict
Repair matters more than the absence of conflict. Couples who last are not the ones who never fight; they are the ones who have a reliable way back afterward. Sessions work on what repair looks like for the two of you specifically, including the part most couples skip: what each of you needs to hear before the subject can be closed.
What couples bring here
Common reasons couples begin here: a repeating conflict neither can end; the aftermath of an affair or a disclosure; a decision about children, a move or a marriage; desire that has diverged, which is often better addressed as sex therapy for couples; ADHD in one partner and the resentment that forgotten agreements generate; a transition such as a new baby, a new job or retirement; and the question of whether to stay together at all, which is a legitimate thing to bring into the room rather than a decision you must reach first.
How sessions are run
Couples work here is not limited to married, monogamous or heterosexual couples. Throuples, triads and polyamorous or open relationships are seen without a pathological framework. Sessions are 50 minutes, and both partners are asked to attend; individual sessions alongside couples work are possible and are discussed openly rather than arranged privately.
Getting started
Consultations are free and run 15 to 40 minutes. Call (310) 927-1755, email michael@michaelneetherapy.com, or use the contact page. The office is at 13101 W. Washington Boulevard, Suite 454, Los Angeles, CA 90066, minutes from Marina del Rey, Venice and Santa Monica, and telehealth is available anywhere in California.